I used to believe that I was broken.

I was a vibrant yellow star-shaped peg, trying to stuff myself into a square hole.
My sharp and jagged edges cracked those old plastic containers that were never meant to hold my spiky form.
And as hard as I tried, I could never figure out how to sand myself down without getting sawdust in my eyes.

Relegated to the open; free yet unprotected, I learned to ask different questions:
"What would it look like?
To leave the box behind?
To sleep under the open night sky, and see ourselves reflected in the constellations?"

I never wanted to hurt Horses.

I started off like so many of us. A Horse-obsessed 12 year old who would do anything for the whisper of a pony's breath. Back then, my head was still filled with the fairytale illusions of liberty teams and competitive success.

Those apparitions were quickly shattered as I smashed head-first into the violent, unsafe, and oppressive dynamics of lesson barns, working-student-ship, and modern dressage.

At 13, I couldn’t sleep at night because of the constant nightmares of terrified rearing ponies and crying friends.

At 15, I developed C-PTSD after being both victim of, and complicit in the abuse, mistreatment, and neglect of both Humans and Horses as a working student at one of the biggest show Horse breeding/training/and competition barns in my area. I would remain in a state of severe disassociation for the next year.

The constant anxiety, panic, and trauma manifested in my body as physical illness.

Months of severe fatigue, dizziness, racing heart, stomach problems, and body aches left me unable to leave my bed for more than a couple of hours a day.

I knew I couldn’t leave the Horses behind, but I also couldn’t just keep going the same way as before. There wasn’t much life left in my body to pull from.

I had no choice but to change.

I sharpened my teeth and gnawed myself a new path. This time, I was going to live my life with Horses MY way. A way where we work towards freedom, and where we all have permission to fly.

I searched in every corner of the Horse world and beyond to find the way forward:

I studied behavioural science, clicker training, bodywork, cooperative care, Intrinzen, non-escalating pressure and release, saddle fitting, trauma, management, and more. I incorporated messages from politicized therapists, decolonial artists/activists, and post-human thinkers. I took what I learned back to the Horses, and in the process, found healing for myself too.

For me, ‘healed’ isn’t a final destination. It’s a constantly evolving process that I will be walking for the rest of my life.

Now, I'm helping others walk the same path, through education, coaching, and art.

I’m not perfect. But I’m committed to the practice: of showing up, speaking up, and caring deeply for the the world that loves me infinitely back.

Remember, the future is brighter because you are here to be in it.

With love,

Remy <3

Learn-With Me